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The Future Freaks Me Out

Aug 16, 2018
72 Views 11 Replies
Arceon @ Nov 11, 2018, 01:20 AM

Axel Vasilyev
beautiful disaster
Necromancer
36 Posts 18 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Arceon
I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood. I'm not afraid to go out that way, too.
Nov 11, 2018, 01:20 AM / 750 Words
He needed more complication in his life, he did. So the universe answered, apparently, and here he was, nine pregnancy tests later (every fucking one was positive), sitting on the swinging bench on the front porch, watching the sunset and trying not to have a giant melt-down. That sounded worse than he meant it, really. Any other time, maybe he'd even be kind of excited, you know, having a baby was a capital Big Deal, your life changed in all kinds of ways, and that was sort of the point of life, he figured. Having kids, continuing your bloodline, making a difference in other people's lives, these were things that weren't always tangible, but generally ended up meaning the most. Being remembered, that was how people that weren't innately immortal lived forever, and teaching the next generation to do better was how the world changed and improved.

It was kind of nice, in a sense, to have the opportunity to be a part of that, but he had other problems, too, maybe problems that didn't necessarily set him up on the best foundation for raising a kid. Didn't people do things where they went to doctors and stuff all the time when they were pregnant? It wasn't like he'd know. He didn't know anyone that'd been pregnant around him. Aunt Nat hadn't even glanced in the direction of having children, which was unfortunate, because she'd make a great mom, already did as far as Axel was concerned. She'd been the mom his own mom couldn't be there to be, and no, Axel wasn't bitter about it. It wasn't like his mom had been like, okay, I had this fucked up mess of a child, let me die now. (He wouldn't admit it, but sometimes, he wondered about that, usually when he'd had a few too many cheap beers.)

He should tell them. He didn't have medical coverage, though, prenatal care might be rather expensive. Having the kid in the first place would probably be pretty expensive. What he actually needed was a better job, or to work more, as he didn't put in enough hours to make nearly enough to support a kid. They needed, like, diapers and food and clothes and they were constantly outgrowing their clothes, too, and he wasn't sure if they had any of the stuff from when he was a kid, if not, he'd need furniture and whatnot. Mostly, he'd been avoiding thinking about it. Because thinking about it always eventually led back to wondering whose it was, then remembering there was no real way of knowing anyhow, and even if there was, it wasn't like either he or the kid would have any sort of relationship with them.

He should tell them. Mikhail was pretty skilled at picking up on Axel-is-hiding-something, and aunt Nat wasn't far behind (apparently, she knew he was a he before he did). What if they asked normal questions to ask? Like, whose it was? What was he supposed to say? Sure, Axel had flings, but he never had irresponsible ones. And when he said he didn't know, because he didn't, it'd be pretty obvious what happened. And honestly, Axel wasn't sure he was ready to admit it happened. Because in saying it did, however indirectly, it made it a little more real, harder to ignore, and yes, he knew he shouldn't ignore it anyway, but what the fuck else was he supposed to do with it? And he knew, he'd known walking out on the Tigers would end badly. He knew that. He did it anyway. So it wasn't like he had room to complain about it, because, what, it was bad in a way he didn't like? Tough shit, right?

Uuugh. He slid down in his seat, switching from staring at the trees to staring at the porch ceiling. It wasn't like he hadn't been off since then, anyway. The usual vibrance was only sort of there, and when it was, it was strained, like he had to try too hard, and he did. Had he ever mentioned he was bad with his own feelings? He was.

Viktor Vasilyev
No title
Necromancer
9 Posts 49 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Lenara
Nov 11, 2018, 01:20 AM / 472 Words
Viktor had just gotten home from work. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was mentally finishing a job, making sure he knew precisely what would need to be done to be finished with that project tomorrow so he could start something new. So, he was just the slightest bit distracted. ... But not nearly enough so to miss Axel sitting by himself on the bench swing out front. Okay, well that wasn't all that weird, he reminded himself. Sometimes they all needed a minute or two to themselves. Still, Axel had been a little... off lately, and Viktor was somewhat worried about him, all things being honest.

That contributed to his choice to remain on the porch instead of continuing inside and leaving Axel alone. After all, if Axel asked him to go away, he could easily keep going. But just the two of them out here, it might be a chance to get him to talk, at least a little about anything that might be going on. Viktor wouldn't hold his breath, his son could be... well, very closed off about some things. It seemed to be a family trait. Not a good one, but a family trait that Axel had come by rather honestly. Still it was worth trying, because he was concerned and he did care.

Approaching the subject seemed difficult though. Immediately pressing into the fact that he was acting strangely was not the best way of handling it, he was sure. It seemed most likely that it would just going to cause Axel to clam up about it. But Viktor thought that maybe opening the door was a good idea, at least a little. Reminding Axel that he could talk to them, that they were his family and they would always love and accept him no matter what life was throwing at them.

Axel was important, and his feelings were too. Even if feelings were confusing things.

"Something on your mind?" Viktor found himself asking. It wasn't ideal, he didn't think but it was better than some of the alternatives. He could have gone on, probably. But he didn't, instead letting the statement stand on its own, and allowing Axel to choose to answer or to ask him to back down. In the end it had to be up to Axel whether he opened up or not. Just like Nat hadn't been able to help him until Viktor had let her in. It was a hard thing to accept at times, but it was also reality.

He leaned against one of the supports for the porch ceiling, watching Axel for the moment.

(... this is. Not as long as I wanted but okay).

Axel Vasilyev
beautiful disaster
Necromancer
36 Posts 18 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Arceon
I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood. I'm not afraid to go out that way, too.
Nov 11, 2018, 01:20 AM / 303 Words
Of course, Axel knew his solitude couldn't last forever. Nothing did, certainly not something like that. At least it was his dad, and not someone more grating, he could be thankful for that much. And that was all he asked, and for a moment, a very long moment, Axel considered not answering at all. He knew better though. Something like this, it was a bit too big to just sweep under a rug. That was kind of akin to trying to hide the Taj Mahal under a welcome mat. Jeez, that was almost funny. Almost. He had more pressing concerns, and, probably, his mind was trying to bury it under his usual jovial demeanour.

"Could say that," he answered, after a few moments. "Lot of things, actually." A lot of things that were kind of still threatening to send him into utter meltdown mode. He slid down on the bench a bit. "Um. Hope you wanted grandkids." That was, probably, the one thing he could say that made everything make sense suddenly. He wasn't doing so hot with his words, right now, but this was normal. Axel never did so hot with his words when he was frazzled and borderline spazzing out. But, eventually, they'd notice, and Axel couldn't hide it forever. It wasn't like he could afford to move out, either, so he couldn't even try to shoulder it alone, despite kind of wanting to. Mostly, he wanted to hide under the covers in bed and never come back out.

That probably wouldn't work so well, either.

"So, how was work?" Yeah, that was a safer topic. Probably. If his dad even let him redirect, probably not, but, worth a shot.

Viktor Vasilyev
No title
Necromancer
9 Posts 49 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Lenara
Nov 11, 2018, 01:21 AM / 344 Words
Viktor shifted his weight quietly, allowing his gaze to stray slightly to one side of Axel, in hopes of lightening the intensity of his focus enough that Axel may open up at least a little, and offer him some indication of what might be going on, or if he could help. It was always hard to say in the end, if he'd open up or keep it to himself. Axel wasn't great at feelings at the best of times. That was, unfortunately, something he came by relatively honestly so Viktor couldn't complain too much about it. Still, it was unfortunate.

"Er." Grandkids. Ah... dear. Okay. "Well I'm not opposed." Immediately, calmly. It was a little early, maybe, from Axel. And of course he was worried because Axel's mother had had such a hard time in childbirth. Never mind there was the niggling concern about how Axel's body issues were going to react to being reminded at just how "female" his body still was. "We'll manage." Grandkids. So medical care, needed a good OBGYN ... he'd need to go over the resources he'd gotten when they first moved here, but if he couldn't find one that would work then he was sure Nat had more by now.

"Fine." In a tone that indicated he didn't really feel there was anything more to talk about there. Ah, but he was far more interested in Axel's side of things so that probably wasn't surprising. "Just found out?" It might be the wrong question, but it opened a door or so.

And having an idea of how far along things were, if Axel knew, was probably a good thing. ... He was a tiny bit worried though because he didn't think Axel had been going steady with anyone recently and - well. He had thought his son was being more careful than that but well, things did happen.

Axel Vasilyev
beautiful disaster
Necromancer
36 Posts 18 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Arceon
I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood. I'm not afraid to go out that way, too.
Nov 11, 2018, 01:21 AM / 427 Words
... well, that was good, given Axel couldn't, you know, undo it. Sure there were like abortions and stuff, but Axel didn't think he could do that, no matter how hard it was going to be. It wasn't the baby's fault, you know, and maybe he had no unearthly idea what he was going to do, or the kind of parent he'd end up being, but he wasn't a quitter. That felt like quitting. Giving up before he even started the race and saying 'Nope, it's too hard.' Well he wouldn't really know if it was or not until later, and he'd just have to try his best, and hope it was enough.

But even if he messed up a bit here and there, maybe it wasn't the end of the world. His dad did okay, you know, eventually, and Axel didn't hate him, so, that was something! He'd never... say that out loud, Axel didn't think his dad much liked himself already, certainly didn't need him bringing that up.

Of course he didn't take the redirection. Axel loosed a sigh, shrugged slightly. "I suspected for a while now," he answered. "Um. If I'm doing my maths right, I'm something on seven or eight weeks along. Somewhere around there. Was back in June, I think." Somewhere around there, he liked to pretend it hadn't happened. Obviously, it didn't change the fact it had. "I have nine positive tests, so, at least I'm pretty sure? And I haven't gone drinking in months, that's good! I can barely handle orange juice anymore, pretty sure alcohol would not agree with me." No, probably not.

"Are you sure we can afford this? I make like, three dollars an hour." The good news was, he did make a decent amount in tips, because he was awfully extroverted. "And and don't babies need like furniture and - and clothes like constantly and and I probably can't breastfeed and doctor stuff and -" Stop, stop it, breathing. ... "I'm too young for this." Way, way too young for this - okay maybe eighteen wasn't that bad, but jeez, he was still a kid, in a lot of ways. "... I'm not gonna have to be a girl again, am I?" Oh jeez. Oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez.

Viktor Vasilyev
No title
Necromancer
9 Posts 49 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Lenara
Nov 11, 2018, 01:21 AM / 430 Words
Ah. Well that was fair. Had suspected but hadn't said anything maybe because he didn't know, maybe because he didn't want to face it. Either way was completely fair. Seven or eight weeks along, so not too far along, but far enough. Nine positive tests. That was... pretty conclusive. He nodded slightly. And it was good that he hadn't been drinking, as that would only make things much worse as far as potential danger for the baby. He thought Axel would probably not take it well if something had happened to the baby just because he didn't know.

"Probably not." Viktor agreed sympathetically. "Do I get to meet the lucky dad?" And yes he promised he wouldn't glare too hard at them. Just, he was curious. They may already be gone though, he knew that was possible. And there were plenty of reasons Axel might not want to bring his boyfriend around, even if he wasn't. It wasn't as if Viktor had always been the best person.

But he'd tried more recently. And he tried to be supportive. ... And besides, knowing what kind of support he could expect Axel to be getting from that angle was good. Emotional or not, things like that.

"We can manage." Immediately. "I make good money, and Nat's doing pretty well herself. We can do this." Viktor wasn't concerned about that. Oh... Axel. Yes, that was a concern. Any thoughts of answering the bit about him being young went out the window when he said that. And Viktor's eyes softened. "No. We'll find you a doctor who'll give you the best care exactly the way you are." Axel couldn't possibly be the first to get pregnant this way. "And if I can't find one from the list I got when we moved here, then I'm sure Nat'll be able to supply more." Verbalizing that thought he'd already had, so Axel remembered it was a thing.

"...Can I hug you?" Axel was obviously upset and Viktor... well. He wanted to make sure it was okay before he touched the kid. Viki wasn't extremely tactile at the best of times, partially because he was well aware of the damage he'd done when they were younger. But he did want to hug his son now. ... He just also didn't want to make things worse.

Axel Vasilyev
beautiful disaster
Necromancer
36 Posts 18 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Arceon
I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood. I'm not afraid to go out that way, too.
Nov 11, 2018, 01:21 AM / 434 Words
Ahm. Hopefully not, actually. Not like Axel knew which one it was, but he didn't - ... ah, then again, his dad was generally pretty good at not poking into stuff he didn't really want to talk about, and maybe at this point, neither of them would really want to talk about it just yet. Axel wasn't ready, right now. Someday. That day was just, not today. Besides, he also didn't want to have to explain how that'd happened, either, because oh, you know, I joined a street gang and left it... yeah, no. Mikhail and his joining Bratva and then the Drago was bad enough.

"Yeah but it's my kid and - ... wait, you still have the list?" That was, somehow, surprising. Being fair though, this entire thing was surprising, because he was kind of expecting his dad to trip over the whole transgender thing more than he was. ... then again, he wasn't very privy to all the conversations he had with aunt Natalia. Maybe he'd done his tripping over it at her, and not him. ... you know, just in case it incidentally hurt his feelings, or something. That sounded... like something Mikhail would do, so, maybe dad would, too? Something.

Uh. That was odd, his dad was better at this personal space thing than most of the people Axel'd dated or just, been friends with, actually. He blinked, for a second. "Um. Actually, I could use a hug, yeah... though, I don't mind you hugging me, so, you can just... do that. .... not that I don't appreciate you asking! But it might make you happy to know, I don't generally see you as a threat." And he typically felt pretty safe, at home, anyway. "... and if you do happen to meet whichever guy could possibly be the father, I don't actually know, there's a gun in the top drawer of my dresser, maybe you should shoot him, cause he may be shooting at you." That was a thing. "... so, uh. Yeah, kind of on my own." Kind of? Well, only kind of, he was pretty sure, at this point, he wasn't getting away with dealing with it all himself, and aunt Natalia would probably be thrilled to have a baby-face around the house again.

Mikhail might try to kill somebody, but, uh, he'd cross that bridge when he got to it. "... can we pretend it's Aren?" That'd be nice.

Viktor Vasilyev
No title
Necromancer
9 Posts 49 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Lenara
Nov 11, 2018, 02:08 PM / 355 Words
"Yes, I still have the list." He supposed that would be confusing. It wasn't as if Viktor had been the most tolerant when Axel was growing up, but he'd done his confused spinning in circles with Natalia until he'd decided it didn't matter, Axel was his kid, and if his kid was another son then so be it. "And it may be your kid but you are my kid, and I'm not going to leave you floundering to figure it out." And he didn't want to lose Axel that way, either. Not saying that.

No, he was going to do what he could to help fix things and Viktor considered that to be reasonable. His job, even. Axel wasn't married, he wasn't in a position to support himself easily, either. So no, Viktor wasn't going to leave him to his own devices.

"Mm. Okay." Absorbing that. Didn't see him as a threat - well that was a good thing. It meant he'd done something right in the time he'd been trying to slowly repair their relationships. Still, with that particular bit of confirmation Viktor stepped closer and hugged Axel. Since, apparently the kid needed it and it was a nice, grounding action. Viktor wasn't exactly affectionate normally, and some part of him shied away from too much contact since he'd been violent with them before but... it was nice, actually.

Frown. Didn't... actually know? There was silence while Viktor considered that, and he decided maybe pushing at it directly was not a good idea. "Point taken." Maybe shooting at him, hm? Well, Viktor could probably deal with it. "Ah, so maybe an std test while we're at it." Just setting that there.

"We can pretend it's Aren if you like." Mildly. If it made Axel feel better, why not? They'd known each other for a very long time anyway.


Axel Vasilyev
beautiful disaster
Necromancer
36 Posts 18 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Arceon
I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood. I'm not afraid to go out that way, too.
Nov 12, 2018, 01:25 AM / 279 Words
Oh. Well. Okay. You know, it was still a little strange, but, Axel could handle that. Honestly, that was the least confusing part of all this, the least complicated. He wasn't really sure why his mind seemed to have fixated on that. Well, probably because it was the least complicated part of this. He didn't really want to focus on the rest of it too long. If only because it'd be pretty distressing, and, he could use to not freak out.

... you know, hugs were kind of nice. Maybe less unsure than he could've, he did hug back. "... probably a good idea, yeah." And now he probably knew, because Axel was definitely more careful than that. But if he could sort of explain without saying it, that was nice, honestly. He wasn't entirely sure he could find the words, at the moment, but Axel was actually very bad at words. Or. He was good at words until the words mattered? Whatever.

He never claimed to understand himself.

"... and maybe a therapist." Yeah, maybe a therapist. "I mean I have you guys but I don't - ... wanna. Make you mad. You know? Or. Something." Something like that, hell if he really got it, anyway. It was all still a jumble, anyway, and he didn't want to unload it all in a mess of words and still not make any sense, or, you know, say something he probably didn't need to, or... or. Ugh, feelings were hard.

Viktor Vasilyev
No title
Necromancer
9 Posts 49 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Lenara
Nov 13, 2018, 05:22 PM / 356 Words
Yes that confirmed what Viktor had been afraid of. He was quiet for a moment, breathing and pushing down the flash of anger went off somewhere deep in his body. It was fine, they'd get through this, and he'd apparently just need to be on edge a little better, because this wasn't something that should happen again. Maybe he couldn't find out who had done it but he could support Axel through the clean up and maybe that was all he could do.

That did not mean that Viktor wouldn't be looking.

Alright, so. A good doctor for prenatal care and an STD test. Focusing on that, on the what he could do for now. For now that was hugging his son and handling the finding of a doctor and things of that nature. Being angry wouldn't help Axel right now, and actually might hurt. So.

Yeah.

"Well, you can talk to us, you know. Don't worry about making us angry, we won't be angry with you." No, they wouldn't. "But we can definitely look for a therapist for you." Someone with the training to make the right choices and say the right things to help Axel through it was probably not a bad idea. Since he was planning to keep the baby and apparently had been through quite a lot, maybe more than Viktor knew.

He did not have any therapists off hand, but he was quite sure Nat did. So. Fair enough. ... He'd just have to be careful what he said to her because he didn't necessarily want to share with her things Axel wasn't ready for her to know but on the other hand... it might be hard to get what was necessary without doing just that.

And maybe someone to be slightly angry in the direction was wasn't a terrible idea, actually. Viktor would see if what little he told her was enough for her to guess, he supposed.

Axel Vasilyev
beautiful disaster
Necromancer
36 Posts 18 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Arceon
I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood. I'm not afraid to go out that way, too.
Nov 29, 2018, 07:06 PM / 296 Words
"I know," he answered, quiet. Being fair, yes, he did know that. He knew they'd listen, if he wanted to talk. It was just that - well, maybe anger wasn't the right emotion. No, it was. It just wasn't that he thought they'd be angry at him, not necessarily. On the one hand, maybe they might be, he shouldn't have gotten himself in that mess, and even after he did, he should've been able to get himself back out of it on his own. Mostly, he had. Anyway. It was more that he didn't want to upset them, just, in general. It wasn't like he'd really trust a therapist, either, at least not for a long time, so maybe that was moot, too.

"S'just, you know, it'd probably be upsetting just, in general? And, and also I should probably not have done that, that was very stupid, so even if you did get mad at me, it's not like I wouldn't understand it." He would. Honestly, he was mad at himself over it. Because that was stupid, and he should've been able to get out of it much cleaner than that. Sometimes you did, and sometimes you didn't, he guessed. It was too late now, anyway. What was done was done.

And... "And, I'm not very good at trusting people, so, kinda worried I'll be seeing a therapist for ten years and still never talk about it." Being fair, that was entirely possible!

Viktor Vasilyev
No title
Necromancer
9 Posts 49 Years Male Necromancer Russian Written by Lenara
Dec 03, 2018, 12:26 PM / 291 Words
Viktor was quiet for a bit, letting Axel get through what he had to say there. Just, well, as long as he knew that they could talk if he needed to, that was the important part. He'd said his peace on the not being angry at Axel thing - because that was true and... hm. At any rate, an actual trained therapist probably was a good idea. Though he had to wonder if Axel would be able to talk to a stranger about this.

They'd see, apparently.

"Well being angry at you won't exactly fix it." Viktor pointed out mildly. "So not really much point." Though he was a little upset that Axel had been put into that position but here they were. Things had happened, mistakes were made. And that was life. And it would probably be a little upsetting but on the other hand, being there for each other was a thing family did, or should do. And he'd rather know and try to help than not know.

But this was enough, really. He knew something had happened, he could guess at it. It was enough to pay attention and hopefully it would be enough to help make sure he got the right help he needed.

"Well, it could happen. But if it does, could always try another route." Whatever that other route might be. Aforementioned therapist may have some generalized ideas that might help a little, even if Axel couldn't talk through all of it. Just sort of depended, he supposed. It wasn't like Viktor had ever gone to one.